Q: What would a Bluegrass musician do if he won a million dollars?

A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: Why do fiddle players pick on banjo pickers? 

A: Cause they can’t pick on their fiddles.

   Q: Why aren't there tubas in bluegrass bands?

   A:  Because they are HEAVY METAL!!!

Q: What does a banjo player do when asked "Give me a five"? 

A: He says, "Go get your own banjo."

Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?

A: The stage is level.

   Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?

   A:  Pick on someone your own size!

   Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

   A:  Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

   Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

   A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

   Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?

   A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

   Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

   Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?

   A: By their names.

Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?

A: A guitarist who's told one too many banjo player jokes.

   Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

   A: The bow is moving.

Q: How many upright bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1...5...1...5...1...5...

   Q: How do you keep your mandolin from getting stolen?

   A: Put it in a banjo case.

   Q: What does a mandolin player say when he gets to his gig?

   A: Would you like fries with that?

   Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the Dobro (i.e., resophonic, slide guitar)?

   A: They make good paddles.

   Q: Why don't banjo players play hide and seek?

   A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: Why do many bluegrass bands have dobro players?

A: They need someplace level to set their drinks.

Q: How do you get a banjo picker off your front porch? 

A: Pay him for the pizza

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe 

     would have done it.

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle player and a dog?

A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What's the least-used sentence in the English language? 

A: "Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

Q: How do you make an upright bass stay in tune?

A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Bluegrass Dictionary

The world of Bluegrass Music is awash with esoteric, arcane, and otherwise marginally comprehensible terminology.  In an effort to simplify and clarify these words, the following dictionary is offered.  In other words, here's a list of a few common Bluegrass vocabulary term and their definitions:

A-Hole Mandolin: A fully assembled mandolin...not in parts.

Acoustic: An instrument for playing pool of billiards (not necessarily a banjo)

Album Jacket: Item to keep posterior warm in winter.

Backbeat: Used to greet an old friend at a Bluegrass festival.

Banjo Pot: Used for cooking stew or soup when camping at a Bluegrass festival.

Banjo Tab: A diet soft drink for pickers.

Bark: Mandolin's sound when playing Dawg music.

Bass: What Daddy sings.

Breakdowns: What occurs after 14 hours of parking lot picking

Bridge: To help you cross those troubled waters.

Capo: Hot cereal that sponsors a Bluegrass radio show.

Chinrest: An instrumental played to give the lead singer a break.

Chops: A mandolin player's disease

Chords: Type of pants seldom worn by Bluegrassers

Chromatic Picking: Polished playing (often performed on a dobro).

Chromatic Scale: Nothing a little dobro polish won't remove

Chunking: Chinese mandolin rhythms.

Clawhammer: A tool for straightening bent fingerpicks or arthritic fingers.

Clog Dancing: Originally for Holland, a cross between rhumba, cha-cha-cha, and waltz

Crosspicking: What happens when a picker gets angry.

Dawg Music: Something your pet sings to.

Dobro (r): Pillsbury Doughboy's brother.

Double Stops: Two endings to a song, often seen in jam sessions.

Duet: Instruction, or command given to the banjo play to start a song (opposite of "refrain")

Fifth String Nut: Person crazy about banjos.

Fine Tuners: Best tuners that money can buy.

Fingerboard: What happens to a picker's fingers after playing the same old licks year after year.

Flatpicking':  To pick like Lester Flatt.

Flattop: John Duffey's hair style.

Frailing: Turning pale and sickly white when electric instruments are used to play bluegrass

Frets: What a guitar player gets when about to do a break for a song never played before.

Guitar Case: A psychotic guitar player.

Gutbucket: Bucket for used fiddle strings.

Hot Lick: Something your pet does to your arm while you hold a burger

Lloyd Loar: Folk Loar's brother.

Mountain Dew: What's on the flower petals when you stop picking at 4am.

Pick Guard: Deodorant for pickers.

Pitch: Act of promoting you band to get gigs.

Refrain: Don't Duet!

Reno roll: Winning gambling spree in Nevada

Resonator: Automatic device for applying resin to strings.

Scrugg's Style: Desinger dress code for Bluegrass bands.

Slap Bass: What's done to awaken the bass singer, or alert the bas player to take a break.

Solo: Word used to describe the bass vocal part.

Tater-bug: Spying device to record hot mandolin licks.

Truss Rod: Item to improve a banjo player's posture, or contain the overhand above the belt.

FOR THE MUSICIANS AMONGST US:

You're too old to play gigs when:

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp.
2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf or Dolly Parton with no bosom.
3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your set-list.
6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
7. You lost the directions to the gig.
8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
10. You feel like heck before the gig even starts.
11. The waitress is your daughter!
12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
15. You refuse to play without earplugs.
16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
18. Your gig stool has a back.
19. You're related to at least one member in the band.
20. You don't let anyone sit in.
21. You need a nap before the gig.
22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lie down.
24. You prefer a music stand with a light.
25. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever … … …
27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or “cool” factor.
28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the audience, 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it!
31. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter for the grandkids.

32. The set list has to be in 20 point type..
33. Your drug of choice is now coffee…
34. It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

You know, sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, 

"Man! I really need to fix that roof."

An hour before church service, the pastor approaches the guitar player and says, "I'm glad to see you include Bible precepts in your playing."

The guitarist asks "Do you mean "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord?'"

"No," answers the pastor, "Don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing."

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been...

Whenever you feel blue, start breathing again.

IN CONCLUSION:

And finally, due to several typos found on the SWBA website brought to the SWBA webmaster's attention by devoted readers of the SWBA website, the webmaster has decided to terminate employment of two Spell Checkers, one from the English edition and one from the Latin edition.  Also, any devoted reader wishing to make a complaint should do so by writing legibly in this space: ( )